The most recent development in where I am at, really the first thing I've written since Wasted Time and the darker pieces not here. It came during the Real Life Fall Retreat 2010 during the morning session. It reveals God's hope and healing that is present in this desert, this wilderness.
Play my heart O Lord
Play my soul O Father
This out of tune instrument
which squeaks and squeals
has been locked in a case
in a case on display
as if a trophy instead of a beat
You won my heart O Lord
with love mercy and grace
my broken strings were made whole
the keys replaced
the reed restored
it bled notes of praise
powerful harmonies interlaced
for Your Glory and Your name
the notes filled the air
others heard and came
they saw your mighty hand
playing Love’s ballad true
and then it changed
This heart felt big
my soul grew in bloated fame
the notes, the melodies and harmonies
seemed ever more like mine
forgetting the grand hand that played
desiring nothing more than to sound good
so I put my pretty heart in this case
the glass surrounding made it shine
eyes stared, words pried
and no longer did I let him play
choosing hype over his Holy way
People stared but heard no sound
This well restored instrument
was more lost than found
I turned my heart O Lord
Time passed, change came
The people walked by forgetting
how this heart once made sound
a song long forgotten
an echo was all I heard
but now I long for what purpose
the reason why I was made
a symphony of the soul
that reveals a heart to be whole
letting the Spirit fill His role!
so I pushed the glass
pulled hacked and banged
making much noise
and someone came
a laughing face that pointed to a lock
black and rusted and never noticed before
my heart became silent
as my soul was sunk
hope seemed distance
I think I knew it once
So here I am
out of tune and trapped
stuck
My heart shrivels in this case
searching for that once seen hand
crying out in a disjointed tone
Play my heart O Lord
cause my soul to make melodies of holiness
My purpose is found only in You
without Your powerful hand, Your skill
my heart dies in a silence
only you can fulfill
the lock pops off, broken
the glass just gone
I’m pulled out and tweaked
As you bring me into the right key
My heart hurts but O Lord
the notes you play
for Your Glory and Your fame
soothing, the sound
this symphony
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wasted Time
This was written this summer (early August 2010) during one of the hardest and darkest points of my life. It would be considered rated R.
How many moments must go unremembered and insignificant?
How much time do I spend not chasing after that which I love?
Would the greatest tragedy in life be that I wasted everything, all this, right now.
I have, for months.
I have wasted the moments, the seconds that mean the most because I did not pursue what I love.
I did not embrace life or hope or joy.
I shunned all that was good and right for the sake of temporary rebellion and bliss.
I sit in shame and pain due to these wasted months of apathy.
There is no one to blame but my own self, my own broken soul.
I just wanted to see how dark I really am inside.
How deep the ruts of selfishness and debauchery went in my heart.
I succeeded.
I hate it.
I spent time, no; spend time, sitting and smoking and saying fuck to whoever will listen.
I ignore the small voice deep in my heart that I can barely hear anymore.
I can’t even tell you the last time I talked to him let alone listened.
He used to scream in my head. He used to take up so much room in my heart.
Now, I can’t hear him even when I try.
So this is a hardening of the heart.
This is walking away.
I didn’t take leaps or decide to run the opposite direction because I was pissed off.
I turned my head to the other path and noticed how good it looked and how I had never been there before. I wanted a new adventure but not too far from the path I had chosen. Just take a few steps to taste this untried life. I wanted to go where some of my friends were. I wanted to go where I had thought I would one day end up. I wanted to piss off others on my chosen path, you know, those stuck up ones who couldn’t see anything new. So I took a few more steps.
Then a few weeks ago I looked back and realized I couldn’t find the path anymore. I was lost. I tried getting back.
I tried doing all I could to fight through bushes and climb over trees but I still could not find the path I really wanted.
Once, maybe twice, I thought I saw it.
In the end though, it was too far for me to get back.
So here I am.
Lost and missing that one path, the only path worth taking.
I miss my one true love. I want to tell him again, just once more, that he means everything to me.
I want to be given a hard riddle and watch as he shows me how it works.
I want to be held in his arms and hear his voice.
But I’ve tried.
The most I’ve come up with is telling him how much I miss him and love him.
My love is not enough.
It never has been.
Some part of me knows what needs to happen, what needs to be spoken.
But for some reason I can’t remember and on those rare moments when the sun hits my eyes and lights up this night in my mind, my tongue doesn’t go through with it.
My feet stand still, cemented into the ground of my death.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I cry most days but no one sees.
Those who are on the true path somehow miss the fact that I’m miles away crying in pain from this separation.
So again, here I am.
Lost with no direction or guide but my own shit filled soul.
The only true guide I ever had, silenced by my own indifference.
I am wasting the time that could have been spent with you.
All the moments that should have been significant are now lost.
The bond that should have been strengthened now barely exists.
Here I am. Crying and staring into blank space that should be you.
And sometimes, when I feel an ounce of hope, I whisper I still love you.
Do you still love me?
How many moments must go unremembered and insignificant?
How much time do I spend not chasing after that which I love?
Would the greatest tragedy in life be that I wasted everything, all this, right now.
I have, for months.
I have wasted the moments, the seconds that mean the most because I did not pursue what I love.
I did not embrace life or hope or joy.
I shunned all that was good and right for the sake of temporary rebellion and bliss.
I sit in shame and pain due to these wasted months of apathy.
There is no one to blame but my own self, my own broken soul.
I just wanted to see how dark I really am inside.
How deep the ruts of selfishness and debauchery went in my heart.
I succeeded.
I hate it.
I spent time, no; spend time, sitting and smoking and saying fuck to whoever will listen.
I ignore the small voice deep in my heart that I can barely hear anymore.
I can’t even tell you the last time I talked to him let alone listened.
He used to scream in my head. He used to take up so much room in my heart.
Now, I can’t hear him even when I try.
So this is a hardening of the heart.
This is walking away.
I didn’t take leaps or decide to run the opposite direction because I was pissed off.
I turned my head to the other path and noticed how good it looked and how I had never been there before. I wanted a new adventure but not too far from the path I had chosen. Just take a few steps to taste this untried life. I wanted to go where some of my friends were. I wanted to go where I had thought I would one day end up. I wanted to piss off others on my chosen path, you know, those stuck up ones who couldn’t see anything new. So I took a few more steps.
Then a few weeks ago I looked back and realized I couldn’t find the path anymore. I was lost. I tried getting back.
I tried doing all I could to fight through bushes and climb over trees but I still could not find the path I really wanted.
Once, maybe twice, I thought I saw it.
In the end though, it was too far for me to get back.
So here I am.
Lost and missing that one path, the only path worth taking.
I miss my one true love. I want to tell him again, just once more, that he means everything to me.
I want to be given a hard riddle and watch as he shows me how it works.
I want to be held in his arms and hear his voice.
But I’ve tried.
The most I’ve come up with is telling him how much I miss him and love him.
My love is not enough.
It never has been.
Some part of me knows what needs to happen, what needs to be spoken.
But for some reason I can’t remember and on those rare moments when the sun hits my eyes and lights up this night in my mind, my tongue doesn’t go through with it.
My feet stand still, cemented into the ground of my death.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I cry most days but no one sees.
Those who are on the true path somehow miss the fact that I’m miles away crying in pain from this separation.
So again, here I am.
Lost with no direction or guide but my own shit filled soul.
The only true guide I ever had, silenced by my own indifference.
I am wasting the time that could have been spent with you.
All the moments that should have been significant are now lost.
The bond that should have been strengthened now barely exists.
Here I am. Crying and staring into blank space that should be you.
And sometimes, when I feel an ounce of hope, I whisper I still love you.
Do you still love me?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Who cries out? Conversations of El Elyon
I was strolling across a bricked path that led through a grassy oval
Humming an ageless tune from generations before
a strangled voice of high pitched qualities reached my ear
stopping listening hearing
“He is Lord He is almighty He is Holy Raise your eyes to the Holy One”
Yet no being was around to say such curious words
a squeaky “down hear” brought my head snapping down to look at the ground
I starred with my jaw slack and eyes bulging
a brick was speaking, speaking praise to one he referred to as Holy One
the brick looked at me, as if such things are possible
it said “confused you may be, descendant of Adam and Eve, you are hearing me thusly.
I decided to cry out the glories and praises of God for no one else had.”
I contemplated his words in the midst of disbelief and wonder, understanding came
Little brick, why do you say none had spoken His glory and praise here
Why, just the other night such things had been done.
“Had they? I did not know of this or had not heard.”
Brick, it happens just over there not far from where you lay
“Well, it had not reached mine ears” unaware that he was without such devices of man
You’re upset little brick, please tell me why this is so?
“Because, you say these people gather and praise His majesty but I have not heard.
Either it is not loud enough or it isn’t true. Everyday people walk over me
Everyday faithless ones live their lives ignorant of He who made them
of He who Loves them and wishes them to know and love Him
Everyday peoples of all ages and places walk over me not proclaiming His Glory.
You say these people do this thing, I say I do not hear that which you claim.”
At that point the brick, cracked and walked over, cried though he had no eyes.
broken, Oh my heart, hearing the sorrows of his own and the sorrows of not hearing
I lifted m eyes from those glistening water drops and looked around
people sitting on a bench two cuddling some studying
people walk by starring listening to iPod talking to friends
people playing football touch style playing ultimate frisbee in some seriousness
people running after a dog dragging an orange leash
people everywhere going about oblivious to the brick’s sorrow and tears
none of them praising the one the brick spoke of
looking back down, the little brick had dried his tears
“Blessed is he who believes. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty”
Words did not come from my mouth though I tried to force them
So I sat
in the middle of the brick path I sat by my new friend
pondering all he said while waiting for words
the brick continued to shout though it was barely heard
“ He is the One true God. The Holy One. Praise Him all ye peoples.”
After the sun had moved across the sky from one spot to another
understanding grew allowing words to flow
little brick, you say you have heard no human praising the Holy One.
Well brick sit back and listen
Singing softly my voice rang out with the words
“Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings! You are my everything,
And I will adore You.”
the brick joined in and we sang together to the Holy One
after the laughter faded away and with a smile upon my lips
see little brick, praise to the Holy One, to the creator for He is lifted up by us
and now you have heard
“My dear daughter of Eve, this is true. But I ask you when you leave who will praise him?
tomorrow when you no longer sit here who will give Glory to Him?
today there may be no need for me to shout out His praises
but there will be a day when I am the only one to do such things.”
Brick you are mistaken. Though times seem rough now there is only one way all of this can end.
One day soon the God-Man will come forth from the clouds
He will make all things right and someday soon
All shall bow and praise Him, glorify His name
And guess what will lead up to that moment?
In the latter days they will fear the Lord and His goodness
His goodness little brick!
“and what shall you do now?”
we will be watching and praying right up till that moment
Oh yes, for we do watch and pray and declare His goodness even now
There are those who walk over you, on whom He rests upon
While worshiping Him in their hearts.
they walk by you and over you having conversations with Him
they hum and sing to Him who created them
they gather, meet in the center of this place and cry out into the night
Little brick, don’t you see His name is being lifted up
His tears were long forgotten as a sparkle seemed to shine in his absent eyes
It saddens my heart you have not heard or seen this
And though this threatens to bring me down instead it urges me on
to shout louder and sing more
to join with others in prayer
to release Holy Spirit into every situation
to stand in this world as a redemptive agent
“redemption, what a thing for you humans to receive. You know, when redemption came to you all, that was when we, creation, experienced freedom.
Why does it seem so quite right now?”
Oh, it seems like the quite before the thunder
I cannot be sure but brick
we happen to be coming up on a storm
when God will rain down His love and we will see more people
Glorify Him than we ever have seen on this campus
And brick, I may be a descendant of Adam and Eve but do not be mistaken
I am no daughter of Eve
I am a daughter of God through Jesus
for His blood is stronger than Adam’s
and even now, we, His children, happen to be birthing something beautiful here
through labor pains and tears and cries
that beautiful joy will come
Don’t you see brick
though I have enjoyed hearing you shout His praises I hope there will be a day
when you no longer feel that you must and I pray that day is today
little brick?
He did not speak nor sing nor shout
I praised more, rose, then continued on my way with a smile still on my face
I never heard the brick again though I check on him often
Sometimes I wonder if my ears and eyes deceived me that day or if it was all just a dream
although I think it matters not for one thing I do know
a brick no longer needs to praise the Holy One
for today has come
Humming an ageless tune from generations before
a strangled voice of high pitched qualities reached my ear
stopping listening hearing
“He is Lord He is almighty He is Holy Raise your eyes to the Holy One”
Yet no being was around to say such curious words
a squeaky “down hear” brought my head snapping down to look at the ground
I starred with my jaw slack and eyes bulging
a brick was speaking, speaking praise to one he referred to as Holy One
the brick looked at me, as if such things are possible
it said “confused you may be, descendant of Adam and Eve, you are hearing me thusly.
I decided to cry out the glories and praises of God for no one else had.”
I contemplated his words in the midst of disbelief and wonder, understanding came
Little brick, why do you say none had spoken His glory and praise here
Why, just the other night such things had been done.
“Had they? I did not know of this or had not heard.”
Brick, it happens just over there not far from where you lay
“Well, it had not reached mine ears” unaware that he was without such devices of man
You’re upset little brick, please tell me why this is so?
“Because, you say these people gather and praise His majesty but I have not heard.
Either it is not loud enough or it isn’t true. Everyday people walk over me
Everyday faithless ones live their lives ignorant of He who made them
of He who Loves them and wishes them to know and love Him
Everyday peoples of all ages and places walk over me not proclaiming His Glory.
You say these people do this thing, I say I do not hear that which you claim.”
At that point the brick, cracked and walked over, cried though he had no eyes.
broken, Oh my heart, hearing the sorrows of his own and the sorrows of not hearing
I lifted m eyes from those glistening water drops and looked around
people sitting on a bench two cuddling some studying
people walk by starring listening to iPod talking to friends
people playing football touch style playing ultimate frisbee in some seriousness
people running after a dog dragging an orange leash
people everywhere going about oblivious to the brick’s sorrow and tears
none of them praising the one the brick spoke of
looking back down, the little brick had dried his tears
“Blessed is he who believes. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty”
Words did not come from my mouth though I tried to force them
So I sat
in the middle of the brick path I sat by my new friend
pondering all he said while waiting for words
the brick continued to shout though it was barely heard
“ He is the One true God. The Holy One. Praise Him all ye peoples.”
After the sun had moved across the sky from one spot to another
understanding grew allowing words to flow
little brick, you say you have heard no human praising the Holy One.
Well brick sit back and listen
Singing softly my voice rang out with the words
“Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings! You are my everything,
And I will adore You.”
the brick joined in and we sang together to the Holy One
after the laughter faded away and with a smile upon my lips
see little brick, praise to the Holy One, to the creator for He is lifted up by us
and now you have heard
“My dear daughter of Eve, this is true. But I ask you when you leave who will praise him?
tomorrow when you no longer sit here who will give Glory to Him?
today there may be no need for me to shout out His praises
but there will be a day when I am the only one to do such things.”
Brick you are mistaken. Though times seem rough now there is only one way all of this can end.
One day soon the God-Man will come forth from the clouds
He will make all things right and someday soon
All shall bow and praise Him, glorify His name
And guess what will lead up to that moment?
In the latter days they will fear the Lord and His goodness
His goodness little brick!
“and what shall you do now?”
we will be watching and praying right up till that moment
Oh yes, for we do watch and pray and declare His goodness even now
There are those who walk over you, on whom He rests upon
While worshiping Him in their hearts.
they walk by you and over you having conversations with Him
they hum and sing to Him who created them
they gather, meet in the center of this place and cry out into the night
Little brick, don’t you see His name is being lifted up
His tears were long forgotten as a sparkle seemed to shine in his absent eyes
It saddens my heart you have not heard or seen this
And though this threatens to bring me down instead it urges me on
to shout louder and sing more
to join with others in prayer
to release Holy Spirit into every situation
to stand in this world as a redemptive agent
“redemption, what a thing for you humans to receive. You know, when redemption came to you all, that was when we, creation, experienced freedom.
Why does it seem so quite right now?”
Oh, it seems like the quite before the thunder
I cannot be sure but brick
we happen to be coming up on a storm
when God will rain down His love and we will see more people
Glorify Him than we ever have seen on this campus
And brick, I may be a descendant of Adam and Eve but do not be mistaken
I am no daughter of Eve
I am a daughter of God through Jesus
for His blood is stronger than Adam’s
and even now, we, His children, happen to be birthing something beautiful here
through labor pains and tears and cries
that beautiful joy will come
Don’t you see brick
though I have enjoyed hearing you shout His praises I hope there will be a day
when you no longer feel that you must and I pray that day is today
little brick?
He did not speak nor sing nor shout
I praised more, rose, then continued on my way with a smile still on my face
I never heard the brick again though I check on him often
Sometimes I wonder if my ears and eyes deceived me that day or if it was all just a dream
although I think it matters not for one thing I do know
a brick no longer needs to praise the Holy One
for today has come
Searching for that perfect picture
Mine eyes were crafted to look upon beauty
I have been made to search for beauty
Beauty is good to behold
It opens the mind to the things unseen
It beckons beyond oneself
Opening up to the greater picture unfolding
Beauty is beautiful
How does one become beautiful?
Is it by the perfectly applied face paste and lip dye
or could it be the ten miles ran and weights lifted for perfection?
Is it the returning of leftovers into a dingy toilet
or could it be the time spent on evaluation and money for suction?
How about beauty of the nature?
Does it come by the carefully planned and planted flower arrangements
or the trimming of bushes into strangely shaped beings?
Does it happen through the money spent on water upon green
or the attraction of false forests called parks?
Beauty is beautiful
But then where does beauty come from?
From spontaneous atoms colliding
or humans designing from our meek minds?
What of beauty of the soul
Could that come from our own inspections and reformations?
I want beauty
I want to behold a sight that causes drops of salty wetness to fall
to be stunned so that my lower jaw hangs horrendously with droll dribbling out
to touch that which causes my heart to stammer and putter
to taste that which would cause my blood to become flames and ice at once
to smell that which would remind me I’m home
to hear the thunder of sweet symphonies and be in complete bliss
Can I have this beauty?
Though only the shadows of this beauty seem to be visible to my eyes
Though the cloud of this world gets in the way
Though it is hard to fathom how perfect beauty can exist
I want it
And I want it from the one
from he who created it
Who embodies all that is and ever could be beauty
To see perfect white made more pure by scarlet drops on the edges
Watch as his children become more beautiful
Through his healing that always follows our wounds
Through his goodness that always follows our crap attempts
Through his love that always flows every second of existence
His eternal, not our temporal
I guess that is what happens when I get a glimpse of him
I always go away wanting more the next time
My stomach is stretched out and I just want it filled to the brim of his goodness
His beauty or none at all
Maybe I’ve become a beauty snob
But I don’t think I could ever consider anything beautiful without Him or his touch
Beauty is beautiful
not like it’s obvious
And I want nothing else but true beauty
I have found beauty
My eyes are fixed upon my Holy King
Listen to My Beloved by Cory Asbury
I have been made to search for beauty
Beauty is good to behold
It opens the mind to the things unseen
It beckons beyond oneself
Opening up to the greater picture unfolding
Beauty is beautiful
How does one become beautiful?
Is it by the perfectly applied face paste and lip dye
or could it be the ten miles ran and weights lifted for perfection?
Is it the returning of leftovers into a dingy toilet
or could it be the time spent on evaluation and money for suction?
How about beauty of the nature?
Does it come by the carefully planned and planted flower arrangements
or the trimming of bushes into strangely shaped beings?
Does it happen through the money spent on water upon green
or the attraction of false forests called parks?
Beauty is beautiful
But then where does beauty come from?
From spontaneous atoms colliding
or humans designing from our meek minds?
What of beauty of the soul
Could that come from our own inspections and reformations?
I want beauty
I want to behold a sight that causes drops of salty wetness to fall
to be stunned so that my lower jaw hangs horrendously with droll dribbling out
to touch that which causes my heart to stammer and putter
to taste that which would cause my blood to become flames and ice at once
to smell that which would remind me I’m home
to hear the thunder of sweet symphonies and be in complete bliss
Can I have this beauty?
Though only the shadows of this beauty seem to be visible to my eyes
Though the cloud of this world gets in the way
Though it is hard to fathom how perfect beauty can exist
I want it
And I want it from the one
from he who created it
Who embodies all that is and ever could be beauty
To see perfect white made more pure by scarlet drops on the edges
Watch as his children become more beautiful
Through his healing that always follows our wounds
Through his goodness that always follows our crap attempts
Through his love that always flows every second of existence
His eternal, not our temporal
I guess that is what happens when I get a glimpse of him
I always go away wanting more the next time
My stomach is stretched out and I just want it filled to the brim of his goodness
His beauty or none at all
Maybe I’ve become a beauty snob
But I don’t think I could ever consider anything beautiful without Him or his touch
Beauty is beautiful
not like it’s obvious
And I want nothing else but true beauty
I have found beauty
My eyes are fixed upon my Holy King
Listen to My Beloved by Cory Asbury
Love of dreams with Jesus
I had a dream and in this dream was a couple. A man and a woman. In love? He is pursuing her. This is what transpired in that dream.
They were walking along a path in mid-day
Holding hands, laughing, smiling
A light in both their eyes
As the two joked around the woman ran ahead.
Laughing while turning to look back at him
The man took off after her, her purser
He caught up with her
Holding her in his arms while the two laughed the afternoon away.
They continued to walk
Speaking of life and how it is found in Jesus alone
Speaking poetry written on their hearts
Speaking their views on so many aspects of life
Resting in each other’s presence
Bringing out joy and peace in one another
So obvious
Day turned to evening as they sat under a tree
Eating a spontaneous picnic
Their conversation continued with ease
and hardships when they opened up bit more
about each other’s past, scars, fears, struggles
And the peace that comes with knowing Jesus
and praying
Evening turned to night as
The stars sparkled their way into being
As conversation continued
They paused; long to watch the wonder of creation
The man spoke in hushed tones scripture written on his heart
Praising God for all
She whispered mostly dreamily, a tiny bit scarred
I love you
Another long pause
He had been waiting for her to say it first for
She feared it and so he left it to her to say it first
and she had said it
He still sensed her fear no matter how little it was
He answered
I love you as well
and I know some part of you still fears that
she answered – it does but I do love you
and I guarantee you I like it when you tell me that
more than I fear it
You have shown me lies that I have believed
Through you God has shown me men are not only able to love
but willing and openly love
it will never be perfect like Jesus’ for me
but with Christ leading us in this it can be closer to anything
I’ve ever had with a human as love can be
She paused and smiled
He sat up and looked at her
He said yet again I love you and
I will be patient with you at all times
I will be kind to you
I will not envy or boast
Nor will I be proud in this
I will not be rude to you
I will not be self-seeking in our relationship
I will not be easily angered by you
I will keep no record of wrongs
I will not delight in evil
but always rejoice in Truth
I will always protect you
I will always trust you
I will always hope for us
And this will always persevere
This is what I mean when I say I love you
I will never be completely this at all times
for I am still a human and that is
the sickness of our kind
But with Jesus I will always strive for this and allow
His love for me to shine to you
into our relationship
I will constantly pray that I can be this to you
And
I will always let you know I love you
in words, in actions, in all the little things and big things
I love you
He smiled and praised God that the Holy Spirit had
led him to speak his heart in a way that could
encourage hers with gentleness and truth and love
Oh How great You are God!
She praised God for putting this man in her life
Who was gentle and patient yet still pushing her to grow
that through Christ’s love for him, he was able to love her
like this
and she could return that through Jesus in the same
Oh How amazing You are God!
She told him
I love you
and promise the same in those words
they smiled and hugged in a way that goes beyond anything spoken
They laid back down on the grass
holding hands
wondering at the stars
And Jesus was the center of their relationship
flowing through every aspect of it
Soon after he walked her home, slowly
They spoke goodnights not wanting to leave each other’s presence
After a hug they parted ways
Knowing they would see each other tomorrow, and the next day, and the next
With each day God growing them more in His love
and in their love
Oh What a dream!
They were walking along a path in mid-day
Holding hands, laughing, smiling
A light in both their eyes
As the two joked around the woman ran ahead.
Laughing while turning to look back at him
The man took off after her, her purser
He caught up with her
Holding her in his arms while the two laughed the afternoon away.
They continued to walk
Speaking of life and how it is found in Jesus alone
Speaking poetry written on their hearts
Speaking their views on so many aspects of life
Resting in each other’s presence
Bringing out joy and peace in one another
So obvious
Day turned to evening as they sat under a tree
Eating a spontaneous picnic
Their conversation continued with ease
and hardships when they opened up bit more
about each other’s past, scars, fears, struggles
And the peace that comes with knowing Jesus
and praying
Evening turned to night as
The stars sparkled their way into being
As conversation continued
They paused; long to watch the wonder of creation
The man spoke in hushed tones scripture written on his heart
Praising God for all
She whispered mostly dreamily, a tiny bit scarred
I love you
Another long pause
He had been waiting for her to say it first for
She feared it and so he left it to her to say it first
and she had said it
He still sensed her fear no matter how little it was
He answered
I love you as well
and I know some part of you still fears that
she answered – it does but I do love you
and I guarantee you I like it when you tell me that
more than I fear it
You have shown me lies that I have believed
Through you God has shown me men are not only able to love
but willing and openly love
it will never be perfect like Jesus’ for me
but with Christ leading us in this it can be closer to anything
I’ve ever had with a human as love can be
She paused and smiled
He sat up and looked at her
He said yet again I love you and
I will be patient with you at all times
I will be kind to you
I will not envy or boast
Nor will I be proud in this
I will not be rude to you
I will not be self-seeking in our relationship
I will not be easily angered by you
I will keep no record of wrongs
I will not delight in evil
but always rejoice in Truth
I will always protect you
I will always trust you
I will always hope for us
And this will always persevere
This is what I mean when I say I love you
I will never be completely this at all times
for I am still a human and that is
the sickness of our kind
But with Jesus I will always strive for this and allow
His love for me to shine to you
into our relationship
I will constantly pray that I can be this to you
And
I will always let you know I love you
in words, in actions, in all the little things and big things
I love you
He smiled and praised God that the Holy Spirit had
led him to speak his heart in a way that could
encourage hers with gentleness and truth and love
Oh How great You are God!
She praised God for putting this man in her life
Who was gentle and patient yet still pushing her to grow
that through Christ’s love for him, he was able to love her
like this
and she could return that through Jesus in the same
Oh How amazing You are God!
She told him
I love you
and promise the same in those words
they smiled and hugged in a way that goes beyond anything spoken
They laid back down on the grass
holding hands
wondering at the stars
And Jesus was the center of their relationship
flowing through every aspect of it
Soon after he walked her home, slowly
They spoke goodnights not wanting to leave each other’s presence
After a hug they parted ways
Knowing they would see each other tomorrow, and the next day, and the next
With each day God growing them more in His love
and in their love
Oh What a dream!
Frustrated Venting of a Changing Heart
Shit, it just feels good to say it
let it out
the frustration
the changes
I could say what evs
could walk away from these feelings
not tell you
I’m pissed
not tell you
I’m frustrated
tired
that my brain hurts
Shit
but I’m not running away
and I’m telling you
Why so much at once
guess it means I have to
rely on you
doesn’t mean I want to
that’s why you have to make me
but what’s strange is
I still love you
need you
to breath, move, live
all of it
I suffocate without you
So in the midst of this shit change
I feel joy
and hope
and Love
let it out
the frustration
the changes
I could say what evs
could walk away from these feelings
not tell you
I’m pissed
not tell you
I’m frustrated
tired
that my brain hurts
Shit
but I’m not running away
and I’m telling you
Why so much at once
guess it means I have to
rely on you
doesn’t mean I want to
that’s why you have to make me
but what’s strange is
I still love you
need you
to breath, move, live
all of it
I suffocate without you
So in the midst of this shit change
I feel joy
and hope
and Love
Catching up
I haven't posted in awhile. This is me posting stuff I've written over a long period of time.
My rendition of Psalm 33
I sing and I dance
in response to His unfailing Love
for He is faithful in all that He does
I shout and I leap
in reply to the Creator of the starry sky above
the creator of all the earth and all the peoples
I play and I skip
in answer to His firm plans for the intentions of His heart
not mine nor the plans of the nations
I hum and I stroll
in the echo of He who watches me
He who is forming my heart
I rejoice and I bound
because my hope is in Him to deliver me
not a large army, nor strong warrior
I praise and I worship
my God whom is my help and my shield
in whom I trust and give my heart, my all
I sing and I dance
in response to His unfailing Love
in response to His unfailing Love
for He is faithful in all that He does
I shout and I leap
in reply to the Creator of the starry sky above
the creator of all the earth and all the peoples
I play and I skip
in answer to His firm plans for the intentions of His heart
not mine nor the plans of the nations
I hum and I stroll
in the echo of He who watches me
He who is forming my heart
I rejoice and I bound
because my hope is in Him to deliver me
not a large army, nor strong warrior
I praise and I worship
my God whom is my help and my shield
in whom I trust and give my heart, my all
I sing and I dance
in response to His unfailing Love
Monday, February 1, 2010
Uncivilized
where is the Barbarian now?
the savage that roars fiercely into the night
he who stood against the jaded masses
walked the other direction without pause
the moonlight shining down upon his back
the people noticed
that night never forgotten
the Barbarian has been gone for some time
seasons pass into a flow of life
yet he never reappeared
lost to the night of defiance
the people forgot as they do
few wise ones remembered that time
when trouble came to their doorsteps
of he who stood against the masses
unkind ones threatened their being
they favored remembrance
called into the forgotten light
asked, called, pleaded, begged
the Barbarian answered
with cries resounding of another place with no limits
he entered the scene
cleared away those who threatened the masses
the Barbarian has returned
savage roars escape his throat during the sun phase
the people call him hero
Savior
he is accepted with distance
attempts have been made to tame him
the masses fall for this civilization of their souls
he knows better
this Barbarian from beyond
story inspired by
Judges 11:1-11
Barbarian inspired by
Jesus
read the Barbarian Way for more thoughts on the subject
Thursday, January 28, 2010
conformity in sedition
the flow of effervescence
swiftly goes the blow
praying in the tongue
awakens the brain to new beginnings
life of rebellion sweeps on the pavement
speaking of what ifs and maybes
looking in the mirror while
watching the goings on behind
pacing the sky in a night lit by a globe
stretching back the hand, reaching for love
the release of joy mounting the deep darkness
skin rubs skin just to feel
peace runs out the door in passivity
grace beckons but the door is slammed shut
truth becomes irrelevant
mosquitoes bite and draw blood
crimson iron on their tongues
legs pumping feet stumbling
poise never knew of these beings
swirls of silver snake in the oxygen
marring it
carbon dioxide tastes better than this slow death
the sticks emit a warm glow from on high
piercing squeals pared with lights pummel by
frozen for a moment in fear of halted mutiny
still free for a time
embracing the remainder of leftovers returning
heads pounding in the coming light
is there something better than this life?
block out the true answer
just to keep surviving the bitter nights
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Lover’s Fiery Beat
I am walking along a dirty path surrounded by lush greenery of all kinds
Colored flowers blooming every which way
Pure whites, pale pinks, violent reds, bright yellows
My hand brushes across the tall trees that line the path
vines cover these trees of old
the sun beats down on the tops of the trees but here
underneath it all rays of light piercing the cool day
I am walking in peace
The wind brushes my cheek, so warm to feel
alone, in silence I hear
Your whisper reaches my ear
My heart leaps at the sweet honey of a sound
Calling me to yourself, as always
I continue down the path to an opening
A stream flows by, birds chirp and flutter above
In the middle of the grove you stand
Nothing physically remarkable about you
Average, would not notice in a crowd
Until you look me full in the face
Oh, how your eyes overwhelm me
For a moment I am frozen in awe
So beautiful
So nervous and excited to see you
The moment passes and I'm no longer frozen
I run as fast as I can into your arms
The same arms that held me through so many tears
So many laughs
Draping my arms around your neck I lean to your side,
Hugging you
My lover
Laughing and hugging me back you say my name
Tell me how beautiful I am and how you created me
Tell me how much you love me and died for me
Tell me how you delight in me, your lily
Call me yours
What can I say back that compares?
I just speak the words I love you
Knowing you will delight in whatever I say
just because that's who you are
We walk around the intricately dazzling garden
I tell you what's happening in my life, how I'm doing
What I am thinking and feeling
You speak nothing but truth
Words that wrap around my soul to shine light
Rest is found only here
You say you have something for me, eyes dancing
Drawing me close to yourself
My ear goes against your chest
I feel your breath then hear it
Hear the beat of your heart
We stand there in embrace, time loosing meaning
All fades away
just the steady rhythm of the heart of life
A spark flies
Another
They dance around me
Flames skirting around the air above us
They grow to living flames
Living flame of Holy
The flames surround us in a mighty inferno
Some begin to enter me
No explanation
They bury deep into my chest
I gasp in shock of the passion
Passion stirring in my heart
the flames burn
Set my heart ablaze
It is now a fire ball rising
pumping Holy through my veins
the sensation is beyond words
His love overtakes me in the firestorm
my heart is thumping to a new beat
His fiery beat
I am consumed
The flames ebb
Time resumes
I pull back and look into his eyes
the fire flickers there
We smile in knowing
spending more time together
He shows me what it means
His love that I just experienced
have known and will continue to know
this burning
my heart is forever His
my bridegroom's
my Jesus
Monday, January 25, 2010
Call of Night Fire
Maybe a city
with foundations of sapphire
with walls of stones called precious
a beautiful place, Tirzah.
Lovelier still the desert place
where Eden takes hold.
All an image
and reality.
Positioned for a purpose
How they stay awake
Watching,
Eyes wide.
Watchmen do not keep silent.
the fight in the jaw
Just to speak a word
whether understood or not
Just to speak
the sun sets
no stopping
no blocking this flood
Desperate sounds escape the throat
Just in time for the moon to wane
Rest is not for me
for the people are bones
Living breath come down.
Shouldn’t I be tired?
of course not, silly lies fed through smiles.
I know You Abba
intimacy takes on new meaning
this is true rest.
In this world I would have a cell
for You I speak out loud
I speak Yaweh.
Words escape my chapped lips
winter makes them dry.
skeleton hands stretch to Him
life breath is coming down around all.
Rest is not for You either
Calling all the time,
cannot comprehend how much You hear
a word comes forth in the cries.
Establish… what a word for this culture.
something stirs inside called dangerous
Passion, the flame of Holy.
a desert is claimed
transformation of a grassy oval
a city becomes daylight in this shadowed world
righteousness has a place
a campus falls to its knees
this Ariel becomes the exalted
on the orb we walk and talk on
lifted hands point to You
with foundations of sapphire
with walls of stones called precious
a beautiful place, Tirzah.
Lovelier still the desert place
where Eden takes hold.
All an image
and reality.
Positioned for a purpose
How they stay awake
Watching,
Eyes wide.
Watchmen do not keep silent.
the fight in the jaw
Just to speak a word
whether understood or not
Just to speak
the sun sets
no stopping
no blocking this flood
Desperate sounds escape the throat
Just in time for the moon to wane
Rest is not for me
for the people are bones
Living breath come down.
Shouldn’t I be tired?
of course not, silly lies fed through smiles.
I know You Abba
intimacy takes on new meaning
this is true rest.
In this world I would have a cell
for You I speak out loud
I speak Yaweh.
Words escape my chapped lips
winter makes them dry.
skeleton hands stretch to Him
life breath is coming down around all.
Rest is not for You either
Calling all the time,
cannot comprehend how much You hear
a word comes forth in the cries.
Establish… what a word for this culture.
something stirs inside called dangerous
Passion, the flame of Holy.
a desert is claimed
transformation of a grassy oval
a city becomes daylight in this shadowed world
righteousness has a place
a campus falls to its knees
this Ariel becomes the exalted
on the orb we walk and talk on
lifted hands point to You
Sunday, January 24, 2010
lazy morning love
peace and contentment are all I feel
resting here in you Jesus
it's a quite passion like a lazy morning love
sweeping its arm across my waist
clinging to me in a soft, loose hold
warmth flowing between us
in out, out in
breathe in the scent of lazy morning love
my devotion grows deeper with the ticks of the second hand
in out, out in
goes the breath of wind between the hair of me
leaving kisses upon my brow that bestow love of the highest
shivers lace up my spine in delight of your warm life
Oh how you create an ardor deeper than understanding
in out, out in
here you take your place in my heart
its slow beats pump an antidote through my body
crescendos, reaching back into my soul
I shut my eyes to reveal pictures of you
Oh how your eyes overwhelm me!
Must I look away to go about
Must I leave this bed of peaceful respite?
Words dripping from your mouth
like sparkling diamond drops of champagne
release me from the grip of religiosity
No was your answer
This bed of rest will follow me all of my days
for you, my lover, are the one who holds it
and I in one
in out, out in
more of you, less of me
Must passion be harsh?
When all I know is the restful one of lazy morning love
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