Wasted Time

This was written this summer (early August 2010) during one of the hardest and darkest points of my life. It would be considered rated R.

How many moments must go unremembered and insignificant?
How much time do I spend not chasing after that which I love?

Would the greatest tragedy in life be that I wasted everything, all this, right now.
I have, for months.
I have wasted the moments, the seconds that mean the most because I did not pursue what I love.
I did not embrace life or hope or joy.
I shunned all that was good and right for the sake of temporary rebellion and bliss.
I sit in shame and pain due to these wasted months of apathy.
There is no one to blame but my own self, my own broken soul.
I just wanted to see how dark I really am inside.
How deep the ruts of selfishness and debauchery went in my heart.
I succeeded.
I hate it.
I spent time, no; spend time, sitting and smoking and saying fuck to whoever will listen.
I ignore the small voice deep in my heart that I can barely hear anymore.
I can’t even tell you the last time I talked to him let alone listened.
He used to scream in my head. He used to take up so much room in my heart.
Now, I can’t hear him even when I try.
So this is a hardening of the heart.
This is walking away.
I didn’t take leaps or decide to run the opposite direction because I was pissed off.
I turned my head to the other path and noticed how good it looked and how I had never been there before. I wanted a new adventure but not too far from the path I had chosen. Just take a few steps to taste this untried life. I wanted to go where some of my friends were. I wanted to go where I had thought I would one day end up. I wanted to piss off others on my chosen path, you know, those stuck up ones who couldn’t see anything new. So I took a few more steps.
Then a few weeks ago I looked back and realized I couldn’t find the path anymore. I was lost. I tried getting back.
I tried doing all I could to fight through bushes and climb over trees but I still could not find the path I really wanted.
Once, maybe twice, I thought I saw it.
In the end though, it was too far for me to get back.
So here I am.
Lost and missing that one path, the only path worth taking.
I miss my one true love. I want to tell him again, just once more, that he means everything to me.
I want to be given a hard riddle and watch as he shows me how it works.
I want to be held in his arms and hear his voice.
But I’ve tried.
The most I’ve come up with is telling him how much I miss him and love him.
My love is not enough.
It never has been.
Some part of me knows what needs to happen, what needs to be spoken.
But for some reason I can’t remember and on those rare moments when the sun hits my eyes and lights up this night in my mind, my tongue doesn’t go through with it.
My feet stand still, cemented into the ground of my death.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I cry most days but no one sees.
Those who are on the true path somehow miss the fact that I’m miles away crying in pain from this separation.

So again, here I am.
Lost with no direction or guide but my own shit filled soul.
The only true guide I ever had, silenced by my own indifference.
I am wasting the time that could have been spent with you.
All the moments that should have been significant are now lost.
The bond that should have been strengthened now barely exists.

Here I am. Crying and staring into blank space that should be you.
And sometimes, when I feel an ounce of hope, I whisper I still love you.
Do you still love me?